Our second child did have a few tantrums, but they were very brief and half-hearted compared to what our daughter's had been.  He was able to calm himself and could usually come out of a tantrum on his own in about five minutes.  It seemed like he didn't need our reassurance to stop, but that he just needed to blow off some steam. 

When our third child was two, we could tell that his usually brief tantrums resulted mainly from changes in routine, or from being thwarted (as when an older sibling would stop him from playing with one of their toys).  I wouldn't say he was high-need like his sister was, but he did have definite preferences on how things should be done.  That is, whenever possible, he preferred to do tasks himself, like flushing the toilet, climbing into his high chair, or putting in a CD-ROM or videocassette.  And he was very particular about the order in which things were done.  He took his time and did his best to make sure he did things right, as he had seen us do them.  If he was able to perform a task, he wanted no help at all, and he emphatically let us know if we forgot and started to help him or try to hurry him along. 

It didn't help that our toddler was still not talking much yet.  I suspected that had to be frustrating for him.  As part of a special unit in homeschool, our older two had begun learning a little sign language (ASL with a little SE), and I got to thinking I should teach our toddler a few signs as well, so that he could communicate with us more easily (and yes, his hearing was and is fine).  To that end, I bought the book  Sign with Your Baby.  It has real ASL, some basic, baby- oriented signs (hungry, all gone, more, sleepy, etc.)  The book mentions that babies taught to sign experience much less frustration as they move through the more mobile, and often still preverbal, toddler months.  And less frustration means less tantrums! 

But though I tried to encourage our little one to sign, he seemed unwilling.  He even got kind of annoyed when the older two and I would practice our ASL signs.  It wasn't until he was going on four years old and talking, that he became really interested in signing and began imitating us.  Now, at four, he enjoys signing with the rest of us.

Our newest baby is now 5 months old, and like his brother before him, he is right there with us when we are homeschooling.  We have noticed that when it's time to do sign language, he watches our hands very closely.  We are hopeful that this time we will be able to teach our baby some useful signs.  He seems quite ready to learn, because although he may not be able to make the signs yet, he's already fascinated with them.

For more information, visit the Sign with Your Baby website.

Added August 2004:

I have really had to remember to practice what I preach when it comes to our fourth child, now 2 1/2 years old.  He has had an exaggerated case of "the terrible twos", especially this summer.  Sign language didn't help him, unfortunately, because he had stopped using the signs as soon as he began talking more, early this spring. 

This was how our little one's summer went:  At the start of summer, he cut another molar, and the several days' discomfort upset his sleep routine.  Our family's homeschool finished for the school year, and that was another change in routine.  He began having major tantrums over tiny matters, like the color of his drinking cup, or which shirt to wear.  These were tantrums of a magnitude I'd not seen in any of our other children:  he wouldn't just cry, he'd layer outright screams on top of the cries.  I mean real, ear-piercing, "This is an emergency!!" screams, not just crying screams.  Soon after that, relatives came to stay with us for an extended visit.  There was a lot of noise, comings-and-goings, and so on, and our toddler had a very hard time coping.  His sleep routine continued to be totally upside down, and some days, he'd have two or even three tantrums.  Once we all went out to dinner and he had a major-meltdown tantrum right in public.  It was soooo embarrassing.  I had to take him out of the restaurant until he could settle down - which took him about 15 minutes.  He has also had tantrums at the park and other public places.  Change, transitions and choices have all seemed to be too much for him to handle.

Some toddlers, like our son, pass through a phase where tiredness, hunger, or overstimulation really, and I mean really, sets them off.  My sympathies are with all parents who are weathering this stage in their toddlers' development.  It can be truly harrowing for all involved.  The good news is that little ones do outgrow this phase, especially if their parents are supportive and patient and can stay calm.  Oh, that last one is so hard!  I have had to re-learn that calm and compassion are truly the best way.  What has really worked to help settle our son when he's "beyond himself" is to pick him up, hold him close, maybe walk him around a bit, while rubbing his back, making hushing sounds, and saying things like, "It's ok, I know you're tired," or "Poor Jonny, I know how much you wanted to keep going down the slide, but it's time to go home now," things like that.  Usually within 2 minutes he has calmed down and is able to rest his head on my (or his daddy's) shoulder and relax.  I've learned anew that it does no good for me to get upset with him, as I did a couple times, saying, "No screaming!  Screaming is bad!"  When our little one is that upset, gentle, affirming actions are far more effective than a lecture.

I am very relieved to report that now, near the close of summer vacation, our toddler has settled down a lot.  His sleep routine is back on track - he's now sleeping through the night again, and taking not-too-long naps at reasonable hours (early- to midafternoon).  He has many fewer tantrums, too, and more good days than bad.  It is so nice to see his sunny personality reasserting itself - he's got a great sense of humor and loves to clown around.  He's experiencing another bloom in his speech development, too, adding to his spoken vocabulary and using more complete sentences.  So I think it's safe to say we've neared the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel".  Hang in there, parents!  You and your toddlers will get there, too!

~~~

I've shared our family's story in hopes that you will come away with some good ideas on how to ease or even shorten your own little one's tantrum phase.  It's also helpful to keep in mind that when children are raised attachment-style, they come to feel truly free to express the whole depth and range of their emotions to their parents, which is entirely appropriate.  In an attached parent-child relationship, there is a deep sense of mutual openness, trust and respect, all of which are often lacking in the traditional, punishment- based, superior ("infallible") parent vs. inferior child scenario.  I feel that when a toddler tantrums in an attachment family, it is not due to any traditional ideas of "manipulation" or "power struggle", but is in large part because he or she has not been rigidly repressed by punitive, controlling parents.  Instead, the child is free to give vent to his or her deepest feelings.  In such a situation, the wisest course is for parents to act with self-control, with calm and compassion.  I feel that this is the best, the Christlike response.  Just because my toddler has "lost it" does not mean I have to.  In fact, we as parents will be most helpful to our children (and ourselves) if we stay calm.  It is much easier for our little ones to learn self-control if we model it for them, patiently and lovingly.