Cassat, Mother Berthe Holding Her Baby [detail],courtesy of CGFA - A Virtual Art Museum
 

Cherishing Our Babies
(Page updated December 2005)

Before I share my thoughts on what is most helpful for getting the mother/baby relationship off to a good start, I need to do a bit of explaining.  What I've learned is based on much reading and on personal experience.  I strongly feel that natural, drug-free childbirth, either with a supportive birth attendant or unassisted, is most conducive to the easy unfolding of an intense, instinctive bond between mother and babe.  This is not to say that a good strong attachment cannot follow a more conventional birth, even a caesarean.  But the fact is that in the newborn period, we and our babies respond most readily to the cues of instinct and design if our (and their) minds are unclouded by "pain-relief" drugs, and if our (and their) bodies have been spared the unnecessary, aggressive, even painful medical interventions that occur during most American births.

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Suppose you've just had that wonderful birth, high-touch and low-tech, after which you and baby are never separated.  Perhaps you've birthed in hospital with an understanding doctor or midwife in attendance, or at home with or without the same.  You feel radiant and energized - or happily enervated, as the case may be.  Above all, you feel fiercely protective of and deeply connected with your baby.  After birth, your powerful, instinctive desire to hold your baby immediately is honored, and his first time at the breast soon follows.  When it comes time to bed baby down, instead of putting him alone in a crib in his own room,  you heed a strong instinct to keep him nearby.  Into your bed with you he goes, or else he's beside you in his own little basket or bassinet.  You are then able to nurse baby whenever he needs it, which may well be quite frequently in the early weeks and months.  If he is right beside you, it is easy to do those night feedings - just put him to breast when he starts to get restless or root around, without either you or he waking up all the way.  He will nurse his fill, snugly and safely beside you, and both of you will drift back into deeper sleep.  Studies show he will grow and thrive beautifully in this way, getting much of his nourishment in the night hours.

I have read that this type of sleeping arrangement, known as the family bed, can be especially helpful if mother works outside the home.  It provides her and baby with a great way to reconnect after being apart for the day. 

An easy way to implement the family bed without much expense is to install a bedside railing, as you would for a todder's bed.  Baby can then sleep between you and the guardrail.  If you prefer, he can sleep in a crib in your room (especially once he starts rolling and creeping).  Either way, you will soon be able to consistently respond to any hunger-induced restlessness before he is fully awake, so that both you and he can get back to sleep more easily.  As Dr. Bill Sears notes in his book Nighttime Parenting, a wonderful synchrony develops between nursing mother and babe, to the point that their sleep cycles come to coincide.  Thus, as baby enters light sleep and becomes restless and hungry, you too are in light sleep, and so are easily awakened to meet baby's needs.  And just like baby, you quickly drift back into sleep once he's latched on, or by the time he's finished.

(Important!  For a list of family bed safety tips, go here.)

This connectedness can extend beyond the nighttime hours.  If you can master it and baby doesn't mind it, the sling is a wonderful way to carry baby with you as you go about your chores, or during walks or shopping trips.  In this way, baby can be right with you, observing what you do and interacting with you and others at (almost) their eye level.  Instead of being alone in a stroller, swing or bouncy seat, perhaps silenced by a pacifier or a propped bottle, baby is up "where the action is".  This type of care, termed "babywearing" by Dr. Sears, greatly benefits baby's cognitive development, fostering that state known as "quiet alertness", the optimal mental state for learning.  Babywearing can also help a fussy baby to settle, and it enables a mother to nurture, even breastfeed, her baby as she goes about her tasks.

That said, babywearing is not always easy, or even possible.  None of our first three babies much liked being carried in the sling (the kind with padding and rings) - they all preferred being held in our arms.  At least this made for strong arms!  I also found that the sling gave me a terrible back and neck ache if I didn't have it adjusted correctly, or if I wore baby for more than a few hours.  I had to find another way to keep my babies near me when they were small and unable to follow me around.  A wheeled bassinet is one option when baby is still quite small.  An infant carseat, the kind that doubles as a sort of rocking bed, is another option.  You can put baby in the carseat at your feet, so that you can rock him if he gets fussy while you are in the middle of a task requiring two hands, like folding laundry, washing the dishes, or preparing a meal.  Yet another option is a Moses basket.  A good one with sturdy handles makes it possible to carry baby from room to room, so as to keep her nearby while you go about your tasks.  When my babies are a bit older and into the rolling over stage, I will put them on a big blanket on the carpet, right near me.  I and my husband do try to hold our babies whenever we can, though, especially when they are still tiny.

Our fourth little one has the mellowest temperament of all our babies, and at 5 months of age, has already spent a lot of time in the sling.  He has never minded it at all, and has comfortably ridden, nursed, and slept in it.  The Moses basket, on the other hand, didn't work out.  That's because in his first few months, he didn't just spit up; he had mild reflux, so that in order for him to sleep, he had to be up at an angle, either in our arms, in his carseat, or on a propped surface.  We didn't think it would be safe to prop the Moses basket, so it went pretty much unused except in the very beginning.  By the time our baby's reflux had settled down, he was rolling over and too big for the basket.  So if you are thinking of getting a Moses basket for your baby, you might want to wait and see if it would be practical in your baby's situation, rather than buying something you and baby might not be able to use. 

The point of keeping baby near you is not just to help him stay settled and to provide him with mental stimulation even before he's able to handle objects.  It's also so that you can really get to know your baby.  The more you are able to spend time with him, the easier it gets to read his individual cues and body language.  He won't have to go into full cry to tell you he's hungry or gassy, once you've figured out baby's subtler ways of speaking.  Some examples - my babies all made a sort of soft whimpery pre-cry when they were hungry, kind of rapid and expectant.  And when they were gassy, they'd draw their knees up to their tummies and grimace (and if I didn't do something about it, then they would cry!) 

Our boy babies have not been nearly as verbal as our daughter was (and is), so they have used nonverbal cues well into toddlerhood.  For example, back when my third child was fifteen months old, he would sometimes toddle up to me, then hug my legs or tug on my clothes to get my attention, looking up at me.  I'd pick him up, and by his subtle turning and leaning back, I'd know he was signalling me to nurse.  While nursing, his expression would be one of ineffable satisfaction and peace, and, it seemed to me, appreciation.  And after just a few minutes he would be "recharged" and ready to get down and play some more.

All of these things - bonding at birth, breastfeeding on cue day and night, the family bed, babywearing, and learning your baby's individual unspoken language and temperament, are elements of a parenting style known as attachment parenting, or AP.  The basic premise of AP is that if you practice close, responsive parenting, you and baby will become securely attached.  To quote Dr. Sears, baby "will learn to bond with people rather than things", and will blossom into independence per his own developmental timetable, rather than per adult-set mandates, e.g., "he must be sleeping through the night in his own bed by eight weeks, weaned by three months, and potty trained by twelve months." 

Not only the child but the parents will blossom - into warm, sensitive, intuitive moms and dads.  I, for one, am so grateful to have discovered AP even before our first child was born - and I do believe that discovery to have been a Godsend.  That's because our firstborn was a colicky, intense, wakeful, allergic high-need baby, aka a spirited child (see Kurcinka below).  I am certain that the scheduled, relatively detached parenting style that many in my generation were raised by, would have proven a disaster for both baby and me.  I would have expected her to sleep through the night, alone and unfed, far sooner than she was ready to.  She and I both would have been very frustrated when, as a toddler, she simply wasn't able to "toe the line" and obey first time, every time.  And I would have remained at a loss as to what to do about her five-star tantrums, which she sometimes had as often as four or five times in a day. 

As a committed "AP mom", my goals were -- and are -- to truly know my daughter and to help her feel right (paraphrasing Dr. Sears).  I learned to gentle her through her difficult times, and to discern between true disobedience and my daughter's temperamental and developmental inability to control her impulses.  Being her mom has been a humbling, and yes, sometimes an exhausting experience.  I've prayed often for extra patience and insight!  But mothering her has also been a wonderful journey.  Today (2000) she is a bright, energetic, funny, helpful, obedient (mostly) ;-) eight-year-old.   She is very artistic and articulate, and has a vivid imagination.  I hope this will encourage you, if you are going through tough times with a high-need baby or toddler of your own.  Hang in there, be consistently and lovingly there for your child.  In the long run there'll be a payoff:  your high-need child will blossom in his own time, and without his spirit having been quashed, if you do not resort to the harsh and punitive methods of past generations.

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To cherish our babies means, to me, to treat them with loving respect and as equals, as we ourselves would like to be treated if we were in their booties.  :-)  They are human beings too;  they are in training to take their place in the world.    I am always growing and learning with my children ... like them, I am a work in progress.  I try to be humble with them and to never present myself as perfect or incapable of making mistakes.  Also, my husband and I make a point to be honest with our children, to tell it like it is per their age and readiness. 

Here are some good resources to help you reconnect with gentle, instinctive, God-given ways of mothering: